How hard can it be? As it turns out, it is quite hard. Apparently self-esteem is something we all want. According to conventional wisdom high self-esteem is good, while low can be hazardous to our health. Self- esteem is so beneficial that we can never have too much of it. Every bookstore and library has rows of books devoted to the art of raising and cultivating our self-esteem. The whole self-help business is based on the premise that we, mere mortals, do not have a sufficient amount of self-esteem, and thus need to work on improving the situation (preferably by heeding the advice of the self-appointed experts for only $7.99 plus tax). What really is this wonderful thing that can make or brake our lives?
Psychologists use the term self-esteem to describe the end result of our self-evaluation (a lot of “self” words here…) This evaluation is done by comparing our real self (who we think we are) with the ideal self (who we would like to be). The ideal self is a compilation of parental expectations, other important people’s opinions of what is good and desirable, and our own standards and dreams. The closer our real self resembles the ideal one, the more favorable our self-evaluation, the higher our self-esteem.
Americans, as you probably noticed, are enamored with high self-esteem. It becomes the major objective of many educational approaches. Do you remember the problem some
But what mattered was that their self-esteem would suffer. My friend Joanna mentioned (with a gleam in her eye) an international study showing that American children rate very low on academic skills and knowledge, but high on self-esteem. Apparently their ideal self matches the real one…
There is nothing wrong with feeling good about ourselves, of course not. But high self-esteem is something that is easy to overdose on at times, especially when it becomes a value in itself, instead of remaining a by-product of our actions. The last time I heard American citizens had “certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life,
Psychopaths and people with paranoid ideations are known to have chronically high self-esteem. Ted Bundy, the infamous serial killer, was quite proud of himself. His ideals (to gain power, to outsmart the system, to be in a total control of another human being) were consistent with his actions (to murder people and get away with it). Paranoiacs are convinced they are the second best thing (after God) that happened to this planet. Mr. Applewhite, the leader of The Heavens’ Gate cult that annihilated itself this year, is one example. Mr. Stalin could be another. Not exactly a group of guys you want to associate with (I hope). High self-esteem – and total disregard for essential human values – is something they all have in common.
On the other hand, the most creative and gifted people are not models of high self-esteem. Their inner lives are often plagued by self-doubt, worries and fears, feelings of inferiority. They base their self-evaluations on very high moral standards, and thus their own behavior seems inadequate and far from ideal. Czeslaw Milosz, a Polish poet and Nobel laureate, writes:
“From early on writing for me has been a way to overcome my real or imagined worthlessness.”* There remains something to be said about not feeling too comfortable with oneself. Perhaps all great human endeavors have at their roots feelings of inferiority. The common wisdom wants people to snap out of it, to feel better about themselves no matter what. Conventional psychiatry often supports this view by offering therapeutic techniques, the sole purpose of which is to elevate your sagging self-worth.
However, telling yourself that “I am good enough, handsome enough, and everybody likes me” (remember Stuart Smiley from “Saturday Night Live”?) is not going to work, even if you try doing it sixty times a day. Self-esteem needs to be based on your authentic feelings and actions. If it turns out that who you are and how you behave is far away from who you would like to be (and you are perceptive enough to notice the discrepancy), your self-esteem will undoubtedly “suffer.” There is a message there letting you know that some extra effort is required. The choice whether or not listen to this message is yours only. If you say here, “Yeah, it’s easier said, than done,” you are absolutely right. But it may be easier than you think and it is the stuff that makes life worth living. Chances are that your self-esteem will respond positively as soon as you start realizing your dream – no matter how difficult it may seem. You will become so immersed in your new-found pursuit, that how you feel about yourself will not be important anymore. The main concern will be to make the most of your time (which is so limited, after all) and through your work leave the world a better place, even in the smallest of ways.
Let us go back to Czeslaw Milosz:
“Satisfaction with oneself. Dissatisfaction with oneself. () One and the other seem beneath what should occupy a truly wise person. I was never one. But at least I have respect and admiration for people, who are able to think the least of themselves, whether it is good or bad.” *
So how much of self-esteem is too much or too little? Is it really important enough to dwell on? Perhaps what truly counts is our ability to focus on something outside of ourselves – our children, our work, our passion, whatever it may be – and the sense of duty that comes from the recognition that ultimately we are responsible for the shape of our life and the welfare of others. But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. After all, what do I know?
E. Mika
* All quotations are from the book by Czeslaw Milosz, “Nieobjeta Ziemia”, Wydawnictwo Dolnoslaskie .
In Praise of Self – Deprecation
The buzzard has nothing to fault himself with.
Scruples are alien to the black panther.
Piranhas do not doubt the rightness of their actions.
The rattlesnake approves of himself without reservations.
The self-critical jackal does not exist.
The locust, alligator, trichina, horsefly
live as they live and are glad of it.
The killer-whale’s heart weighs one hundred kilos
but in other respects it is light.
There is nothing more animal-like
than a clear conscience
on the third planet of the Sun.
tr. M.J. Krynski and R.A.Maguire